Friday, 7 March 2014

My pregnancy guilt.

I found out I was pregnant at 9weeks+5. That's two months already into my pregnancy. How did I not know?! 

I went on holiday with my family at the start of pregnancy, I had a bleed which I assumed was a period. I didn't really take notice how long my 'period' was because I was on holiday with my family. So I assumed I had a period and carried on with my holiday without thinking about it. 

While on holiday I was tired but I assumed that was from the late nights and the early mornings. Some days I just wanted to chill out but no chance- we had lots of days out and had a lovely time. While we were on holiday my sisters told me they thought I was pregnant, I didn't feel pregnant and I assumed I had a period so I thought they were just saying I was fat. We carried on as normal, drinking, dancing and having a good time. Alcohol made an appearance while on holiday and lots of rubbish food. Some days I felt ill but I assumed it was all the rubbish food and alcohol I had been having, mixed with the tiredness. 

After not seeing my boyfriend for 2weeks, I went round as soon as we got back. One of the first things he said to me was you look pregnant- are you sure your not. I had a dress on that did make me look like I had a tummy so I assumed he was calling me fat, I laughed it off and ignored it and told him I needed to get to the gym. 

After having 3people say they think I'm pregnant, it was playing on my mind, it was all I thought about for a couple of weeks.
What if I was!?!? 
Am I ready for a baby??!?

I waited for my next period but it didnt come when it normally does. I do have irregular periods so I waited a week or so but still no period. I had enough of constantly thinking about if I was so I bought a pregnancy test and did it and I was pregnant!!

When I found out, a flood of guilt came over me about the lifestyle I had of late. I had drank alcohol every day for 2weeks, my boyfriend smokes and I would sit in the room while he had a fag and breathe it in not knowing. I ate runny eggs and had mayo. I couldn't stop thinking about my little jelly bean just swimming and sleeping in my womb, not knowing what was going on. 

I must admit that when I saw the two lines on the test I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. I had millions of questions in my head that I didn't know the answer to, I was so scared. I cried. ALOT. I went to doctors and just cried, I had no idea what to do. I had a student doctor- a young lad- he didn't have a clue what to say and so he booked me in at the hospital for an appointment. It was the ward where the pregnancy termination happens, I felt sick sat there watching all the young girls coming in laughing and joking around. It made me angry. I knew I didn't want to terminate my pregnancy- I spoke to the health professional there and talked through the questions in my head. She also gave me a scan, that was the most amazing thing ever- my baby looked like a jelly bean with little fingers and toes. I came out of the hospital happy that I was having a baby!! 
To me- that was the start of my pregnancy!

From then on I took my folic acid- I only took it for 3weeks or so which made me angry at myself- folic acid is taken to help reduce spina bifida and I felt like I had put my baby at risk. We went for our12 week scan and he was perfect. I felt a huge sense of relief he looked happy enough in there. 

I took vitamin D, drank milk and made sure I ate foods that would help my little jelly bean grow big and strong. My boyfriend would go out my way if he wanted a fag and my boyfriends family would do the same. I am grateful for that as it's there house but they still did it for me and respected how I felt about it. 

I think if you don't find out until later on in the pregnancy you always feel guilty about how you lived your life- I had no tell tale signs so I just carried on as normal as I'm sure many other ladies feel the same as I did. 


  1. As mummies we feel so guilty about numerous things! Alfie arrived healthy and he is perfect :) xx #binkylinky

  2. It's funny how some people know and some don't. I just had a feeling as soon as I was late, even though my periods were always quite irregular. Then you have some people who go the whole 9 months without knowing!
    You shouldn't feel guilty at all, unless they're trying for a baby, most people have at least a coupe of weeks of their normal lifestyle. Babies are built for surviving new mums so don't worry :)


  3. aww I had the same sort of guilt with my first I didn't know and had been paint balling alton towers and I had been out quite a bit drinking but we cant do anything if we don't know we are pregnant - I think guilt is a top part of a parents job description great post takes me back to my pregnancies #binkylinky

  4. I know people who didn't know until 6 months because of periods, thyroids etc..infact one of my friends has just found out they are the same farness as me in pregnancy and had no idea.. don't ever feel guilty..your body did right and you created a beautiful little boy!!! You should be proud xx

  5. This was SO similar to my story! I didn't found out until I was 10 weeks pregnant and I felt so guilty. I was still taking my pill, I drank, I went on a drop ride at the London Dungeons, I ate crap and generally wasn't looking after myself. I kept telling my boyfriend that I felt fat so I wanted to go the gym. It wasn't until my pill break came and no period arrived I got worried and took a test, and it was positive (what a shock!). I only took folic acid until my scan at 13 weeks and then nothing else from then but my little girl was perfect. I feel so blessed that all the things I did didn't have any affect on her, we're lucky mummies! xxx