Monday, 12 May 2014

Falling in love again..

Due to my post natal depression i cant remember what love feels like- I loved my baby and my boyfriend and made sure i looked after them both but i would stress about every little thing and wouldn't enjoy them. At the time i thought i was enjoying them but i wasn't. I didn't love my love my life but i didn't hate it either. I just got on with it...

That's what i've been doing for the last 10months- plodding along. I would do the normal household stuff and then it would be bedtime. That's it- everyday. I wouldn't have time to play or didn't feel like i wanted to but somethings changed..

Since being diagnosed with PND, i am falling in love again. You don't know what you have till you think you'll loose it. The last few weeks have been so hard- some days i didn't think i would get through them and i felt alone and lost. I didn't appreciate my life before but i do now. 

I'm starting to fall in love with my life again and most importantly falling in love with my little boy all over again. I want to play with him- I don't stress about mess and don't stress that the housework and that the tea isn't cooked in time.  

I look at him now and can't believe how amazing he is- Hes my world and i love him more than anything. While i was suffering in silence with PND i would look forward to bedtimes and naptimes so i could get the housework done- i liked a tidy house and i couldn't relax until the house was spotless. I loved him before but not in the same way as i do now, i'm looking forward to what the future brings for me and my little guy. Now that i've realised what my actual priorites are, i can work on making my life happier and my son.

I want to work on sorting out my relationship with Alfies daddy- I didn't appreciate the good things he would do. The bad would just stick in my head- i couldn't find good in anybody but now i realise i am also partly to blame for the relationship breakdown. The PND made me argue with him and have a go at him for silly little things. In reality he did a lot for me and his son- he works all week to earn money to put food on the table and clothes on our backs. I know i need to get this sorted, i miss him and need to prove i love him and i am changing. 

PND is a horrible mental illness as we don't have control over what we're saying and how we feel emotionally and however hard we try to snap out of it we can for a little bit but the demon creeps back up on us. For months i tried to make myself happier- and i would but then something would happen and i would fall back into that place i was in. If you think your suffering please speak to someone- our babies deserve a happy mummy and daddy. 

If any of you would like a chat i'm over on twitter (@Elw_23_) and you can email. Don't suffer in silence like i did. Its not just you that its affecting- Its your whole life around you too.

A big thank you for all your support too :) xx

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Alfie- You're One!

Alfie- Bear, You're One.

One year since you came into my life and changed my life for the better. You've changed so much in the last year and I cant believe how quick the year has flown by. You've gone from a tiny little baby to a toddler- Im so proud of all you do and I love how you know me so well too. Your daddy and I have decided to split up so we can both concentrate on you and make sure your happy and you've tried your best to cheer me up and you always come up to me, put your head on me and say 'awwww'. Your cuddles cheer me up like nothing else, mummy has been going through a rough time and you've been so well behaved and haven't minded playing with your aunties.

Your biggest milestone this month is your walking- you've gone from taking a few wobbley steps to full on walking. Its amazing to watch your confidence grow and your so proud when your toddling around. Your picking up speed now and are often nearly running around. You know how to make everyone laugh, your a proper cheeky monkey.

You are starting to say more, you ask 'whats that?!' to everything and everyone at the moment. You are starting to communicate so i know what you want, if you want a drink you will go to the where the juice is kept and you go into the kitchen and point at the cupboards when you want something, which seems to be all the time at the moment! 

I switched your milk to cows milk, you didn't seem bothered about the change but you don't drink as much now. 

Your still wearing 9-12m clothes, and some of those are still abit big. Your filling out more now and got the cutest chubby cheeks! 
Your still in in size4 pampers nappies. 

We had a lovely little party at grandads for your birthday, lots of cake, balloons and food! 

My PND experience

If you are a regular reader of my blog then you may have noticed that i haven't posted on my blog as much as usual recently and if you follow me on twitter you will know that i have been suffering from PND. 

I wasn't sure weather to write this post or not, as this whole experience is horrible to think about but I figured it may be some comfort to people if I do and hopefully I'll be able to help other parents recognise the signs of PND as they can often be not as obvious as just being upset, crying and the feeling of not coping. 

I know many mummies on twitter that have PND, I've always felt like I needed to give them support but never realised how bad it can make you feel to experience it yourself. 

I've always been a very shy, nervous and queit person. At school I didn't want to talk to people and kept myself to myself had a close number of friends. After school I went into hairdressing which is where I became more confident with myself, I was still shy but I would talk to people if they spoke to me and didn't feel as secluded from people. 

I met Alfie's dad when I was working full time in a hairdressing salon and was quite confident and happy with my life at that time. My boyfriend gave me the confidence I always needed and I did come out my shell some more when I was with him- Then I ended up pregnant. 

The pregnancy was a shock and I was very scared when I first found out, I wasn't sure what to do about it but Zach said he would stick by me whatever my desicion was so I kept the baby and loved being pregnant. I was very happy that I was having a baby with the man I loved and couldn't wait to start a family with him. He was a lovely boyfriend and he always looked after me.

I gave birth to Alfie a year ago and I was over the moon- so was Zach! We were a family at last and I couldn't wait to start our lives together. 

At the time I didn't look into this that much but i have realised now that I have suffered from post natal depression quite early on as a mother. It wasn't so bad when Zach was at home but as soon as he would go to work I would feel alone and on my own. I know I had Alfie and that does sound really bad but I just felt so alone. I had my sisters to talk to but they had school and uni so I couldn't go out with any of them. I find it very hard to talk to people about how I feel as I never really knew what the problem is myself half the time. I had always kept myself to myself so I didn't feel that anything was wrong, I thought it was just me. I had gone from being on top of the world when I was pregnant back to feeling shy, anxious and worried about everything. I put it down to being tired and being a first time mum but it eventually got worse.. 

In the last couple of months I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to go out, I would get anxious, and get worried about how busy places would be and find an excuse to leave. I've always been an impatient sort of person but it was getting silly- I couldn't stand in a shop looking at things I had to go straight in and out. No messing about. I would get irritable with silly little things and I would get annoyed with my boyfriend as I felt like I was doing everything on my own. I wasn't- he was helping but I felt that way, due to being depressed. I would sleep when Alfie did in the morning and didn't feel i could function if i didn't go for a nap with him- it was all in my head but thats how i dealt with it. 

I felt alone, worthless and rubbish despite Zach trying to make an effort with me I wouldn't want it. I wanted to be on my own but then I felt alone!?! I know it doesn't make sense does it? But I just didn't know how I felt at all. But I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't find the words to explain my feelings. 

I blocked it out and tried to get on with life, which i was doing but then I started getting physical problems quite a lot. I felt light headed, pains in my tummy, headaches, my eyes would hurt, you name it. I had it! I assumed I was run down or not well so I went to the doctors- he said from a doctors point of view I was fine and maybe it was a viral infection. Alfie had one the week before so I thought that would be a logical explanation. 

The pains carried on so I went back a couple of weeks later to another doctor after I tried drinking loads and loads of water and taking vitamins- nothing was helping. I felt worse so I went to see her. She asked how I felt mentally- I said I was fine but seconds later I burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying- the tears kept rolling and it was awful, as much as I tried I couldn't stop crying. I felt rubbish and I was letting out all these emotions that had been building up for the last few months come flooding out. 

I was relived in a way that I had eventually been diagnosed with PND but also felt sick- I felt rubbish. No one wants to be ill and I think the taboo of mental illness is worse on a person as no one wants to be known to suffer a mental illness. I was scared my boyfriend would think I was stupid and I was worried my family would think that too. 

I explained to them and they understood which was a relief, I decided to move back to my dads while I started my tablets as they had a very negative effect on me- I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore and that was constantly on my mind for a couple of weeks- I tried to block it out but it wouldn't go. My brain couldn't switch off from these horrible thoughts. It wasn't me, it felt like someone else had taken over my brain and was telling me what to think. Everytime i tried to take my mind of the horrible thoughts in my head, it was like i was getting told to think about these horrible things.

Eventually my body has got used to the tablets and I'm back to how I felt before- still abit low but no where near as bad as I had been! I felt like I couldn't look after Alfie on my own for the first couple of weeks and needed someone with me- I was scared of myself. I just wanted to run away, I would never wish it on anyone!

Unfortunately me and Alfie's dad are no longer together- this didn't really help my recovery and I seemed to have taken a step back from the progress I was making towards my new life. 

I wanted to be better for Alfie and Zach- My little family- but now I just have Alfie.. He's my whole world, i want to be better for my little guy and I'm glad that I am taking steps to getting rid of this horrible illness. 

If you think your suffering, speak to your GP or health visitor, its nothing to be ashamed of and if you catch it early on, you can enjoy your babies. You can always contact me on twitter if you fancy a chat or you can email me :) 

I'm a lot happier now :) and so is Alfie!